My Heart Falls

My heart keeps falling into my stomach. This entire trip to Australia.... Not just because of car sickness either... It's just... I don't feel like who I thought I was. I don't feel brave anymore. For moments in time I will forget about my hurt and feel happy, and the happiness will be true. The only problem is that once I remember the hurt, I feel horrible that I am happy again.

There is this man, he has been hogging the computers all night. My mom needed it to fix a flight problem we have for tomorrow. She waited like 30 min or so, and asked if he would be off soon. He said he had business and could wrap it up faster if she needed. About 5 min later, my mom, I am assuming to be nice, told him she couldn't use the computer anymore she did not have the right information. He looked at her like she was crazy. My mom walked out and he said "I just lost a lot of money on her, stupid people."

I should have said something, but I couldn't.. That feeling is sort of what I felt every time I wanted to feel happy but couldn't....

*shakes head* Racists.

Ok, any person who says there is no racism in this country just because we have a black president is blind to the actual issues in this world. Not only that, but they piss me off. Why don't THEY live through the stairs when you walk in a store. Why don't THEY walk down the street and get called names. Why don't they open their goddamn eyes and see what is going on EVERYWHERE?
The thing is, THEY CANT because they are WHITE. It pisses me off when they pull some stat out their ass proving there is no racism, and if there is its from the black community. One, that is racist. Two, they are stupid. Three- FUCK OFF UNTIL THEY ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY IN A BAD WAY JUST BECAUSE OF HOW THEY LOOK, THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

I Don't Get it

You don't get it, you just don't fucking get it. It is hard to let you go. I love you so much... I am trying, trying to let you go... But some part of me does not want to let go. I am trying to move on, but whenever someone smiles at me in 'that' way, I only think of you.... You were all that ran through my head every day, and now I just want you to stand still... How can someone who makes me so mad yet I love so much frustrate me so?
I have read your letter at least a hundred times, and I still don't get it... I still cry... I am trying to move on, I really am. But love is not something I can just turn off because you don't feel it too. It will always be there... In my mind and my heart... But I will try to move on, and I will eventually succeed.

I Give Up

I GIVE UP. I wish I could say on everything... But honestly I can't say that. I suppose I give up on trying...

I  don't want to try to get along with everyone. I don't want to try to figure out why some people are mean and give them another shot and give them another shot. Honestly, there are only so many shots that I can give, and even less shots that they deserve. If a person is a jerk from the first moment I meet them, what are the chances that they will change? Slim to none.

I GIVE UP

I give up on trying to find someone who will NEVER judge me or hate me or get upset with me. I know I have problems, and I admit this not only to myself but to other people as well. Why should I try to act like I am perfect when I know I am not? Why should I act like someone I know I am not just to please people? WHY!?

I give up... I give up on a lot of things.... But those are the two I will tell you about today, maybe others on other days will come out, but this is all I can bear to say at this moment in time...

Rant for the Day

I give up. I just wanted to do something for me. I wanted cookies. I made cookies. I stood in the hot kitchen making them... I mixed, I cooked, I wanted to eat... I took them out of the oven and I asked everyone if they wanted one. They all said yes, I told them NOT to take the big cookies. I had too much dough so I decided not to eat any cookies at that time. I went on a run, and I came home. I took a shower and I sat in the living room. I came out at like 1030... almost all the cookies were gone... I repeated, do not eat the big cookies or the ones in the container (because I put some aside for my friend Erika). I went to bed. I woke up and saw there were AT MOST 5 cookies left. One of which was a big cookie... I ate all but two cookies, one big and one little. I was going to save them for after dinner. The rest of my day went fine. That is until my brother came home and ate my cookie. My BIG cookie. Now normally I wouldn't make a big skeptical of a cookie. But after I told everyone NOT to eat the big cookies, and after being dumped, after being alone for DAYS straight... I am allowed to bitch him out. OH! Not to mention that he promised me brownies, and did not deliver said brownies: I really am allowed to bitch him out.
End of my rant for the day.

Acting

I must be a great actor.. My heart is on the floor and my dad just came in and told me I look good... I look at peace... I couldn't be farther from that place he thinks I'm at. I want to join my heart on the floor, crawl up next to my dog. My dog.. the one creature on this planet (other than my other dog) that would never judge me, or leave me because I am who I am... I never have to act with her.
I hate myself right now.. I really do. How can I look at peace when I feel like shit? Is it because I don't really feel like shit? Or because I really have no idea what to do so I look calm?

... I just want a hug...

The Perfect Reunion... Ruined..

I had the perfect reunion for me and the girl I love. It would been over a month since we had seen each other. I planned on getting a single red rose, and having a friend pull a favor from the apartment me and my  girlfriend would live. Before she even arrived to her room for the first time, I was going to get in her apartment and stand in her room waiting for her, with the rose in my hand. I was going to wait for her to open the door and I would stand there, and probably cry. I would tell her, "hello, I've missed you, and I am sorry I haven't been there for you lately. I love you, I love you so much." Then I would hug her, and kiss her cheek, then hand her the rose. Everything after that would depend on what she did.

This is no longer possible... Tears have been streaming down my face ever since six o'clock today. It is now eight. I love you, baby, I love you so much... But I understand why you wrote the letter.. I understand why we can't be together. Do I wish I could go to your house and convince you not to do this, but I promised you I would let you go if you wanted to go. And I always keep my promises. I promised I would love you always, and I will, but I will let you go. Please just know, I will always love you.. And I am sorry for anything I might have done.

Pictures

I look at the one picture I have
of you and me together.
I look at the pictures of you
just so I can remember
how stunning you are
because my memory does not satisfy
to your beautiful self
I wish it were classified
for just me alone
although I don't know why
its so hard to use the phone
to text please forgive me
for everything I've done
to tell you I love thee
and that I never stopped
thinking of you
every moment of every day
I promise it is true
of everything I say.
I hope you got my letter
the one with all the stars
I hope things will get better
and there wont be any scars
maybe all you needed
was a little time
I hope you had succeeded
and that things are at its prime.
I'll finish with one last thing
and I'll make it real quick
I hope to feel that ting
when our skin does lick
against the other
and is so close
that we could smother
the other person's woes.
I love you dear.
Please, if you could,
whisper in my ear
if you ever would...
Love me again,
the way I always loved you...
the way I loved you...
The way I LOVE you.
I love you.

You+Me=?

I miss you,
I miss you so damn much.
I miss you,
and every little touch.
I love you,
I love your everything,
I love you
I promise this aint a fling.
Please tell me
Please tell me what is true
Please tell me
"I still care about you."
I miss you,
I miss you so damn much.
I miss you
and every little touch.
Do you love me?
Do you love your little dork?
Do you love me?
even though my temper is short?
I love you
I love every little thing
I love you
and I PROMISE this aint no fling.
I love you.

Not Until I Know

I wont text
not until I know
because I dont know what to do..
you still work nights,
and I dont know what you are doing..
I dont know if you even want to talk to me still
and I don't know if I did something wrong.
Because I know if this ended up not working out,
it would be on me.
I know it would.
Don't try to tell me otherwise,
because I know it to be true.
I know I love you
and I know I would do anything
to make you happy,
even if that means to leave.
<3 ?

I'm Tired

I'm tired.
I'm tired of not knowing
not knowing if you still love me.
Not knowing what I did wrong...
IF I did something wrong.
I'm tired
I'm tired of being scared
scared of losing you
scared of my confusion
and scared if you got my letter.
I'm Tired
I'm tired of being far away
far away from knowing
far away from hugging
and far away from you.