Sunday, May 29, 2011

When I was Young

When I as young, I grew up as a girl who was taught not to take crap from anyone. The reason why is because I am a Mexican American, and in some cases I look more Mexican than American. It's hard, growing up and having random people in stores and on the street hate you for no reason. I was confused, I did nothing wrong, why did they look at me so? Why did they skip me in line? Why did they talk to my daddy like that? What was that word they used, Illegal, Alien, Immigrant? What did they mean go home? There were so many questions, and there were no easy answers. 
I remember the first time I was confused as to who I was, and not because someone treated me differently, but because they were glad I was in their class. Her name was Maureen, and we were best friends for a few years in grade school. We were in the 2nd grade, and we learned about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement. We learned about how schools used to be only filled with white students or students of color, namely African Americans because at that time those were the two races. My friend didn't know there was more than one color a person could be, and she thought that meant I was African American. News flash, I'm not. But I remember her walking over to me by the coat hangers, hugging me and exclaiming loudly, "I'm so glad that man was alive, because if he wasn't, I would never have meet my little black friend Abi!" I looked at her, and told her I wasn't black, and she said I was of color, and that made me black. That is all I remember of that day, I don't know how my parents handled that bit of information, explaining to me I am not black, but rather Mexican. But I do know this now. 
Now what does all of this have to do with me not taking crap from anyone? I'll tell you, it was later that year during recess, I remember Maureen, Alexis and I were laying on the grass and attempting to get a tan. Now we were young, and Maureen and I listened to Alexis when she said to be tan meant to get lighter. Alexis looked at me and said, "you really need a tan, Abi, you are way to dark. " I remember coming home and telling my parents I wanted to be lighter skinned, because that is what my friend said, I wanted to be like everyone else, white. My dad looked at me and told me that many people would tell me things I wouldn't want to hear, but I should not take what they say to heart. I am perfect the way I am. Also that I should never take something anyone says about me that is negative sitting down, PROVE THEM WRONG! 
Well this is something that has stuck with me for years and years, prove them wrong. Perhaps my daddy did not mean in every aspect should I prove people wrong. People said I was weak, the first time they said this I do not remember, so I proved them wrong. I kicked their ass. They then said I was a bitch, and I didn't know how to prove them wrong on that, so I just made being a bitch a good thing, or something I embraced. :) I enjoy standing my ground, and I refuse to take shit from people. I stand up for me, because it is what people don't expect. I learned that from long ago, but I have added more to it. I like being strong, and I enjoy the feeling of power I have over how people think of me. I also enjoy making people gasp in shock when I get them in a chock hold. :) 
I know that sounds mean, but for me, it is just who I am or how I act. If you got a problem with it, you can kiss my fist as it hits your face ;) But really, I don't fight people very often, just when I get really really pissed off. So you have no reason to fear. ;)

Remember

It hurts, I know,
It hurts, it shows.
Please my dear, dry your tears,
Please my dear, have little fear
your heart may hurt, but soon it'll mend
your heart may hurt, but that will end.
You deserve, the very best
You deserve, someone with zest.
Honey bear, soon time will come
Honey bear, with the setting sun.
Someone new, just wait and see
Someone new, just like me
who loves you every night and day
who loves you in every single way.
They will never hurt like the other
They will never hurt, the past will be smothered
Baby girl, you will pull through
Baby girl, you'll be almost new.
I promise you something, now listen to this
I promise you something, you'll have a bliss.
If anything hurts you, remember my dear
If anything hurts you, I am always near.
I love you so much, if I haven't said
I love you so much, now I'm going to bed. ;) xoxo

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Miscomunication.

For my Chican@/Latin@ final, we had to write a paper. Now on the syllabus it said that the due date was friday the 13th. Because of my little, let us call it, voice/health problem, I had to miss three days of that class in a row. Somewhere in that three days of class, the final due date was changed to wednesday the 11th. Now I asked at least three different people if I missed anything. Everyone said I missed nothing out of the usual, because the usual is just discussing the books and relating it to our lives or something like that. I had planned on turning it in on my way to my final on tuesday, because I though it was going to be closer to the professors office, where I was to turn in the paper. But the exam room was the complete opposite side of the campus, kind of. So I did not turn it in on tuesday. I then decided that I had it finished, and my final on tuesday was close to the drop off place, hell, it was right next door, so I would have it printed out and turned in right before my final. Great deal, right? 
Well that's what I thought too. 
I got to her office at 1:20 pm on friday the 13th of May. No one was there. I decided to sit outside her office for a bit, maybe she stepped out to use the restroom. I sat there for 10 minuets or something like that. I then texted a few people from the class to double check that it was due at her office. One friend said yes, but it was due wednesday... I had no idea what to think. I felt my stomach drop through the floor. Wednesday? That was two days ago... I was so screwed if that was the case. I texted that I didn't know it was due wednesday, the syllabus said friday. She then explained that Maestra HAD told us two weeks ago about the change in dates. Well now that was the week that I was out for my voice/health problem. I couldn't help it, I started crying.. The voice in my head (it didn't sound to be in my head) told me I was stupid, I was shit for not knowing the date changed, etc. 
I ran out of the building, and it was raining.... Somewhat... I sat under a bridge, and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. No one seemed to notice, or if they did, they didn't seem to care much. I cried for a good 20 min, and by that time it was 2:00pm. I knew I had to get cleaned up and focus on my coming exam. I, for the most part, shut this incident out of my mind since then.
30 min ago, I checked my email.. Maestra had emailed me saying she never got the paper I slid under the door. She would only give me 50% of the papers points if I emailed it to her before midnight. I emailed it to her and explained the due date mix up, but I still have this urge to cry. The only way for me to even get any emotion out, with out crying for the third time in 2 days is to write it out. And here we are now, you reading what I said, and me writing what I think/what my ongoings are on in my life. And so far, this life has been shitty, but one thing is for sure, it's been slowly but surly getting better. 


please note, i give no blame to the bad grade to my classmates, their memory failed like mine does as well. I just wish that their memory did not fail at that particular moment. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Voices

You know that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I have one of those.. The only problem is that it tends to appear more in a, 'you did shit wrong you stupid bitch- you should have learned from the last time something like this happened, like (fill in painful memory here).' I am my toughest critic. I know many people say that, but for me its more so. I remember every bad instance in my life, the times I mess up, the times I stutter, the times I fell and the times people yelled at me. Every horrible moment of my life runs through my head. They take turns, and appear each and every time something similar happens... And something similar happens a lot.It actually got so bad in high school, that every time I remembered a bad memory I would physically beat myself up. I would try to resist, and that would end up with me in a shaking fit. I ended up hitting my head against the wall, or if I was not near a wall I would hit myself in the head multiple times. I feel as though this was the start of my self-harm era.
The reason why I wrote this is because it has been happening increasingly often ever since I got happy. I remember every time I was happy, something bad happens. I hope nothing bad happens.
I really like this girl, and she makes me happy, every time we hug or touch she makes me smile. I can't help but look at her out of the corner of my eye, just to see her and make me smile once more. She accepts the fact that I have things that are wrong with me, like my OCD and depression and anxiety and the possibility of me being bipolar.
I couldn't tell at first if something was actually wrong with me. I thought what I was hearing was just construction noise. But then after a while, I heard it when the construction was not going on, then I thought it was just a radio in my neighbors apartment. Then something strange happened. I realized it wasn't. Things happened, and stuff went down, and the voice in my head finally started to make fun of me and feel crazier than I thought I was.
You know, as I write this I no longer know where I am headed, so I think I'll end it before I weave a web of more things that will confuse you more. I'm sorry if you were hoping for a deep though and wise words, but sometimes all I need to do is write things down to think things through.