To my old readers and my new sisters,
Please read what I'm going to say very very carefully.
I have depression. I don't care who tries to tell me that depression isn't an illness, I am going through a phase, etc etc. I have a problem, I know this. But I am NOT going to act on any of those thoughts running through my head. I am NOT going to go jump in front of a car, I am NOT going to pick up a knife and hurt myself again. I may have the urge to, but it took me over two years to be more powerful than that urge, to be in control of myself. I am NOT going to be that person again.
I don't care if what you read you think is threatening to myself. I don't care if what you think is my final good bye for a facebook status, I am NOT going to end myself. Me writing anything is what is keeping me strong. It brings me back to the time when I was not in control of my actions, when all I did was want to hurt myself and then act on the thought; it brings me back to that and keeps me from going there. It reminds me how much I had hurt myself and all the people who care about me. I am NOT going back to that place.
The reason why I know I am not going to is because I know I have so much more to live for. I know I have so much to do with my life. I know I am stronger than that. I know this now.
I am not going to post on this blog anymore. The reason why is because all this concern about what I am writing, which has never been a problem before, is causing me stress. Stress that I CAN NOT afford to have in my life. My writing is a therapy technique that I was taught a long time ago. It helps me come to conclusions in my mind, work out what I am thinking, and learn from it. As I stated earlier, it reminds me I am stronger than I was before.
So please understand, I am NOT in danger of myself. I am NOT about to resort to anything drastic. I am receiving help, I have been for quite some time. And if something does concern you, please come to me, face to face or on the phone, because although I find myself a person of words, my words are misinterpreted (as many of you have clearly noticed) and it is easier to explain when I am there in person. I can clear up whatever it is and help you understand more about what I am going through.
Thank you.
Wishing you well,
Abi-- Abi Normal.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Queer in a Sorority
I am a sorority girl now. My sisters love me and I love them. But the problem is, I don't feel as though they accept me completely. Of course, there are a few who have accepted me all together, I can tell by they way they talk to me. There are others who still don't seem to accept me... and by me, I mean all of me, they are still not comfortable with the fact that I am queer.
I have explained this earlier to you, my readers, but I will catch up those who just joined us. I am queer, I am pansexual. This means I am not attracted physically to any person. I like them for their personality, and they can be either male, female, gender-neutral, or anything. I have been told before that this is noble and I am a fair person to be able to look past one's looks. Well guess what, I have nothing to do with that. I never chose to be this person. I chose to acknowledge this part of me, but I never chose to be that person.
You would think that me not being attracted to anyone sex, any person, would be better to understand for a group of girls (still young compared to me, I am the oldest in the group seeing how I just turned 20 and most are still 18, some 17) instead of saying I am attracted to women, or both women and men. I promised them I was not going to hit on them, because I see them as sisters. I also told them how I was not going to stare at them in the hopes that they will realize they are queer too and we would fall in love. I told them all this, and yet some still seem stand-off-ish towards me. I have done nothing wrong. or at least, I don't think I have. It is hard for me to be so far away where the harassment begun in my life, I moved in the hopes of leaving behind the hurt, and yet there is still some where I am. They are not harassing me I suppose, but they are not treating me the way they did when we first meet, before they knew I was queer.
I have it on good authority that some words were exchanged between girls, and one said "Don't tell this to Abi." This has happened on several occasions, and the only reason why this would be said would be because what they are saying is homophobic and insulting to me. Many of them are white females, very few are of color, like myself. They do not understand what it means to be a minority until they walk down the street and have had harsh words screamed at them and cans tossed while half full. Knowing I can not even speak of my sexuality, and feeling very awkward in a group when they speak of how hot a guy in their building is, is hard on me. I try so hard to have them feel comfortable around me, I don't speak of it unless it comes up and even then I keep it short, I would like the same respect shown to me... I know they probably wont change for the 1% of their pledge class... But I am their sister now, and the way some have been acting toward me (or to others about me) hurts... I just wish they could see that...
I have explained this earlier to you, my readers, but I will catch up those who just joined us. I am queer, I am pansexual. This means I am not attracted physically to any person. I like them for their personality, and they can be either male, female, gender-neutral, or anything. I have been told before that this is noble and I am a fair person to be able to look past one's looks. Well guess what, I have nothing to do with that. I never chose to be this person. I chose to acknowledge this part of me, but I never chose to be that person.
You would think that me not being attracted to anyone sex, any person, would be better to understand for a group of girls (still young compared to me, I am the oldest in the group seeing how I just turned 20 and most are still 18, some 17) instead of saying I am attracted to women, or both women and men. I promised them I was not going to hit on them, because I see them as sisters. I also told them how I was not going to stare at them in the hopes that they will realize they are queer too and we would fall in love. I told them all this, and yet some still seem stand-off-ish towards me. I have done nothing wrong. or at least, I don't think I have. It is hard for me to be so far away where the harassment begun in my life, I moved in the hopes of leaving behind the hurt, and yet there is still some where I am. They are not harassing me I suppose, but they are not treating me the way they did when we first meet, before they knew I was queer.
I have it on good authority that some words were exchanged between girls, and one said "Don't tell this to Abi." This has happened on several occasions, and the only reason why this would be said would be because what they are saying is homophobic and insulting to me. Many of them are white females, very few are of color, like myself. They do not understand what it means to be a minority until they walk down the street and have had harsh words screamed at them and cans tossed while half full. Knowing I can not even speak of my sexuality, and feeling very awkward in a group when they speak of how hot a guy in their building is, is hard on me. I try so hard to have them feel comfortable around me, I don't speak of it unless it comes up and even then I keep it short, I would like the same respect shown to me... I know they probably wont change for the 1% of their pledge class... But I am their sister now, and the way some have been acting toward me (or to others about me) hurts... I just wish they could see that...
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