The Closet

The closet is for people
who are not ready to see the world...
or rather
who are not ready for the world to see them.
The closet is a sanctuary 
a safe place
but it's filled with fear at times.
Bein in the closet
one has little room
and it in such a position
in which two things are visible.
One being the skeleton
        the skeleton of the truth.
The other is the key hole
        in which the world is visible.
Because you can see the world
        the cruelty and kindness
the reasons to fear
        and reasons to trust.
The closet remains closed
        until you have the courage
                      to believe there is more reason to trust
                      than more reason to fear the cruelty.
It is up to you to see this.

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***Tears rolled down my face. My parent's faces were expressionless. I just looked at my cup, and kept on crying, not caring who could see me.***

My brother loved me, and I had a community behind me, and I had a girl who would stand by my side. I needed to tell my parents. My master plan was ruined, but I needed to tell the two most important people in my life, my parents. It was Sunday, April 17th, 2011. We had spent so much time together during the weekend, and never had I been so afraid in my life.

We spent the morning cleaning my room, it was very intense and I was quite happy with the outcome. I showed my parents the sign I made for the Break the Silence, Wisconsin event. The sign read "God sent us a rainbow as a sign of love. All we want, is to love. -AV" Then I realized what it said, and I corrected the reason why I had the sign, I told my mom I was holding it for a friend because she couldn't be there on Friday, for BTSW. My mom took this explanation with a skeptical look and continued on cleaning my room. When we finished my parents wondered what we should do for lunch, because by then the clock struck 1:00pm. I remembered some pictures I found on facebook from the protest and I showed my parents. There was one I really liked and it was me sitting on the rainbow flag on Bascom Hill. I showed my mom and she said she liked it, it was nice, and all the usual compliments one would give about a picture you didn't really like but knew you had to say something nice or else you would hurt someone's feelings. I thought nothing of it and we continued contemplating what we should do for lunch.

After a while the family decided on Chipotle. We ordered and sat in a booth, and I realized I was stuck between my family and a wall. Quite literally. I wanted to tell my parents, but at the same time I was afraid to. I didn't want to lose my family if things turned out poorly. My brother was sitting next to my father and the wall, I was sitting next to my mother and the wall, across from my brother. I had no idea what to do. At one point my parents left the table to get straws or something, I looked at my brother and asked him if he thought mom and dad were in a good enough mood to tell them. He looked at me and gave no expression, all he said was, "Abi, this is not my thing, this is your thing. I have no idea." Well that was so much help (yes dear readers, that was sarcasm). 

Now about half way through my bowl, I realized I not only should tell them, but WANTED to tell them.  But, at the same time, I was scared. Everyone else had finished eating, and I had give my fork to my mom because at that point I was to nervous to eat. My plate, or bowl I should say, sat in front of me, and I just stared at it. I was arguing in my mind wither I should get out of the booth and drag over a chair, that way if things started going bad, I could run away to the door and keep going. I also debated staying where I was in the booth, so my parents could both see me. I had no idea what to do, or how to go about it. I debated just yelling it to them, and also going about it gingerly. So many things and words spun around my mind, and I stopped paying attention to the conversation.

Finally, I texted two people, Matthias and Gabe. I told them I was going to tell my parents and to stand by, pray for me. They wished me luck, and I took a deep breath. I had decided on staying where I was against the wall. I put my back to the wall and put my chin on the lid of my cup. I slowly said, "You remember Kelsey, Kelsey Scott...?" Yes, for those of you who recognize, this is how I told my brother. It was at this point in time my brother realized what I was about to do and proclaimed, "I'm going to get a refill, does anyone want a refill?" My dad then let my brother out of the booth and he walked away. I couldn't help but think he was abandoning me. My only ally just up and left. I continued on, hoping things would go well. I repeated my question, "You remember Kelsey?" Both my parents said, yah we remember her, how is she doing?!  I said, "Well, I haven't talked to her in a while.. But you know how she is bi. Bisexual?" They gave me a strange look and said no, we didn't know. I replied, "She told you mom, in the car. When she was in our carpool. Remember?" Mom said she did not remember, but she was getting older and as she got older her memory got worse. Well I looked at them and said, "You don't think any differently about her now that you know, right?" My dad said, "Of corse not, that is her decision, and we respect her decision." This gave me some hope, maybe my parents wont hate me completely.

"Well, what if I said I am a little more like her than you think?" ***Tears rolled down my face. My parent's faces were expressionless. I just looked at my cup, and kept on crying, not caring who could see me.*** "I mean with my sexuality. I'm not bi, I'm what's called pansexual. It means I'm attracted.. It means I like a person for their personality, that I could care less about their gender." It was at this point that I couldn't even look at my family anymore. I was too frightened of their reaction. Even if I did look in their direction, I was crying too hard to see anything. I chanced a look. My parents were giving me that, 'why are you crying' look. This just made me cry harder. I couldn't stand waiting. My mom said "Abi, we love you. We will always love you," at the same time that my dad said, "Abi, we love and respect you, that will never change." 

Their words just cause me to continue crying, but even harder. I sobbed, "I just didn't want you to hate me. I had to tell you. I didn't want to lose my family." My mom looked at me in disbelief. She gathered me in her arms and rocked me back and fourth like she did when I was little. This just caused the crying to increase because I couldn't believe what they said, how they reacted. My brother then returned to the table, and when my dad stood up he asked me if I wanted more diet coke. I said yes through my sobs. I then confessed to my mother as my dad walked away with my cup, "It's just I know how you are, you wanted to be the first women priest, I just thought that you would hate me because it is against the church." My mom cut me off, she explained that the church is slowly changing. She told me about Galleaho (or however you spell it). She said the church was against the idea of the Earth revolving around the Sun, and Galleaho was put on house arrest until he died. Now, years later, the church acknowledges science, and that the Earth revolves around the Sun, and that the church is not the center of the universe. She said that the church is slowly but surly moving forward. It may not come soon, but it will come some day that the church recognizes the LGBT community. 

My tears slowed down. I looked at my brother and father having a conversation, seemingly oblivious about a member of the family crying. I then started munching on the salad from my bowl. My dad looked at me, and it was then that my heart broke. He gave me a look that is indescribable. He stood up, and he walked away for the second time.. I started crying all over again. I thought 'this is it, he finally comprehended what I said, and he no longer loves me.' I didn't want my father to hate me. No matter how much I may deny it, I am a daddy's girl; I always have been and I always will be. Dear reader, nothing can describe, or even come close to describing, the joy I felt when I saw my daddy walking back to the table. He sat down, and stuck a fork in my bowl and said, "just in case you want to keep munching."

They acted as though nothing had changed, and continued their visit as though I had never told them. They didn't treat me differently as I had suspected they would. They didn't kick me out or disown me. They love me and I have never been so happy. I have hid from them for so long, for years, that I didn't know how to act now that they knew. I have lied and snuck around trying to find myself, and now that I have, and now that they know, this world I created for them is off my shoulders; and yet I could not help but feel tied down. I am not sure how I was so posed to act just yet. I had hidden in the rowed I created for so long,  I need tome to mend and bend t with the world I want and have been living in with out my parents knowledge. 

As my eyes dried, and I continued to eat, I asked my mom what she thought about it. Her response did not really surprise me, but in a way it did. She said, "Well sweety, We figured it something like this was going on, what with how involved you got in the community." This made me so happy. They WAITED  for me to be comfortable enough to tell them. They knew for a while, and they still loved me, and acted as though nothing was different with me. And it's true. Nothing WAS different. The only thing that changed was my confidence in telling my family about who I really am. 

Dear reader, there is one main thing I learned through all of this. Family love, is the most meaningful and powerful thing in the world. What ever you do, never let it go voluntary. If my family can love me for who I am, as I am, they will always love me. My family means the world to me, and I would never want to give them up for anything. I love my family, and my family loves me. 

My Master Plan

My favorite joke, my favorite hugs, my favorite voice, and my favorite food; all these things come from two people, my parents. I had come out to my brother, and the next step was my parents. I had no idea what to expect, and I had planned for worst case-sinerio. I had a place to stay with three people if need be for the summer, and my brother said I could stay with him during the fall semester in his apartment with Taylor. I had that covered, but I didn't want to lose my parents at all. It hurts to even thing that any parents would un-love their child because of who their child is and who their child chooses to love. I don't understand why that would happen. 
I knew I had to tell my parents, I wanted them to know. I wanted them to be happy for me for finding someone who accepts me for me, past and all. I wanted to tell them and have them know the reasons why I did what I did in high school, the reason why I failed math class last semester, the reason why I have been active as an ally for the longest of times. The reason, the reason, the reason; there are so many things that I had to lie to my parents about, and it hurt so much because I hate lying. 
They came over this weekend, I had a master plan to tell them. They offered to buy dinner for me and a friend or two. I decided to choose the most obviously gay friend I had, Matthias. The reason why I chose him is because I wanted to see how my family would react to an openly gay person. If it was a better reaction than what I expected, then I would be ecstatic and have no fear in telling them. If it was a horrible reaction, I wouldn't tell them at all. Unfortunately, my family eats really late and I failed to inform Matthias about that. Come 8 o'clock, I texted him to see if he was still up for dinner. My family waited half an hour and with no reply from Matthias my parents decided to invite him for ice cream the next day and go eat dinner.  
Now because my master plan was ruined, I had no idea if I could muster up the courage to tell my parents. I ended up going to sleep at their hotel that night, and decided tomorrow was a new day, and I shall see what it brings. If the time seems right, I shall tell them, if not, I shall have them wait. 

Let's Get Something Straight

Let me get one thing straight. I'm not. I am what is called pansexual, and for those of you who do not know what that means, it means I like someone for who they are: ie their personality and actions; I could care less about a person's gender. I understand that my last few blogs have been confusing. K and Katrina and Johnson are the same person, and she happens to be the person I am head over heels for at this moment. We meet at a gay club called plan B. And that was in my last post, April 8. That is how I meet her. And this post is about me coming out to my brother.
First a little background. I come from a Christian family. I was brought up going to church and sunday school. Privet grade school, we had to go to mass once a week from k-5 and then once a month for 6-8. God played a big part of my life. Don't get me wrong, God still does, just I have no idea what to think anymore. So that was background info.
I came out to my brother on Thursday April 14th. I told him because I have a girlfriend here and I don't want to sneak around campus trying to keep it from him. I was really hesitant because of how he reacted to some people in the past. Well  he had pulled his back earlier that day, and I went over to help him a lot. That night I went to make him dinner, cheeseburger helper, and I told him I needed to talk to him. As we slowly munched our food, me on his unmade sheet-less bed and him sitting in his spiny office chair with ice on his back, I brought up the subject of my 'big sister' (she's not my real sister, but she takes care of me and keeps me out of trouble) I asked my brother if he remembers Kelsey, and he did. I then said, "Well you know how she is bi, right?" He responded with, "She's bi? Wow, I didn't know that." I explained how she told us and that it is true. I then asked if he thought any different of her. He said no. I then said, "I'm more like Kelsey than you think. I'm not bi, I'm pan, pansexual." He asked what pan sexual was and I explained to him the same way I did to you, dear reader. "I like someone for who they are, I could care less what their gender is." He quiet literally said, "And... So?" We then had a long discussion about my worst outcome when I told mom and dad, what would happen, and all that stuff. It was hard to believe that he acted so cooly and still loved me. My parents reaction was just a little different than his.

April 8th

I went to plan b tonight... Ok first off, GUYS SUCK!! only the straight guys suck. seriously? its a gay club. I had like 5 guys tell me im beautiful or if they could dance with me and two guys who just plane started to dance with me..  it was horrible... well except one guy was really hot  and i was sort of flirting with him every time i saw him. BUTTTT i was dancing with someone else when he just came up to me. ughhh.. 
Guess who had digets for an awesome girl here on campus? ME! I didnt catch her first name but her last name is johnson, so generic.  so i cant even look her up, but i know she lives in the regent apartment building, she has a car, and is a horse trainer or somethin? Lol, but she randomly came and started dancing in our circle, she walked up with another friend of mine, and i thought that they were friends, turns out that she was just following some random girl ( my friend) around figuring out where to go. lol, awesome no? when a guy ( i seriously thought he was gay) started dancing (really well, thats why i thought he was gay) in our circle, he came closer to me and started dancing with me and tried to get to know me and asked me my name where i go to school my year etc etc. The other reason why i thought he was gay was because he started grinding me, his ass to my front. NOT NORMAL!
lol, and so when he did that i flung my hand out and looked at johnson and mouthed, 'help me!' so she grabbed my waist and staretd dancing with me and the guy turned around and was like... ? lol  and about 2 min after dancing with her, the really hot guy came up and started grining on me front to front, and that is why i was so freaked out. CLEARLY i was dancing with someone, he lost his chance, he sat next to me for like 45 min when noone was in the bar and he was just drinking. seriously? I was smiling at him all the time and he didnt make a move? of corse i wasnt going to be happy that the only way he would dance with me was when he was 5 drinks in.  So when he backed up a little bit i did the whole booty shake on the girl, looked at him and he gave me a horrified look like "SHES GAY?!?!?!?!" *shakes head* really people, its a gay bar, get used to it. 
So me and her dance for a while longer and i asked her if she wanted to get a drink and we got some soda pop and we sat down and talked for like 10 or 15 min, then she grabs my hand and pulls me to the dance floor again.  We dance for like another 2 min and then she started kissing me and it kinda hurt... she is really teethy i hate to say.  but we made out for like 7 min or something then we just slow danced for another 10 min and they said the bar was closing and the coat check was closing too, so she grabbed my hand and we got her coat (i didnt bring mine it was warm out!) and she asked if i drove and i said no i was going to call a cab. well she has a car and she offered to drive me home.
Lets just say, both of us are really bad at finding our way to the campus from plan b. lol we drove around for like 45 min trying to find state street. we go to the capitol after 30 min, but we realized we couldnt go down state st in a car, so we tried to find another way... didnt work out so well! lol, we ended up at regent and west washington or something, then we found our way.
i asked for her number, and got her digets, i kissed her goodnight... she kinda bit me goodnight... *shakes head* it kinda hurt. but w/e  
I so had to tell you that. and i know reading it will keep you entertained for a few min.  happy for me? I hope so cause i think imma see her again sometime. maybe we'll go to plan b next week together. it was the first time for both of us and we both got lucky... not in THAT way, but in meeting each other. :) I can't wait to tell you more about her. 

Math Tutor

ARGHHHHHHGGGRRRRHHHHGHGHGHGHGGGGGAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am fairly mad at this moment in time. My math tutor, who is by the way getting paid, keeps changing times on me. The first time this happened, I thought, it's no big deal, he has a life, it happens! But last time we had planned to meet at 12:00pm and he said he had a meeting, so he couldn't meet until 4:00pm. Two hours later he told me 4:30. When I arrived, he was no where to be seen. He showed up, half an hour later. >:( And made me sit and listen to him explain math very poorly for two hours. Then he had me do my homework and sat there on his computer while I struggled through the homework. 
NOW!!!! I had a meeting time set up at 6:00pm . He texted me a little before 4 telling me he had to push it back to 7:00pm. I was mad, but happy because I got to spend more time with K. So at 6:40 I start to pack up and get ready to leave... I got a text message. HE PUSHED IT BACK TO 7:30!!!!!!!!!! I was so mad and shocked and grahhhh-ish that I fell to the floor and screamed. I am pretty sure I scared Amber, K's roommate. *shakes head* It is sooooo not cool how he keeps doing this. :p AND I'M NOT EVEN DOING THAT MUCH BETTER IN MATH!!!!
That is my rant for today. 

Beauty is NOT just skin deep

Please understand, I am not going in the direction of I am so much hotter than everyone else. I am going in a direction that beauty is personality. Keep that in mind and don't judge this on the next few sentences.

I am that obviously attractive person. I don't want to be, it is just how I am. My eyes are unique, and my size is small (depending where you look) and it's what some guys like. When they see me, men fall over themselves to get to know me. When I ask them why they decided to get to know me, they respond with (EVERY TIME), "I saw you/your picture and I knew I had to get to know you. You are beautiful." It is then that I realize, people don't look at your actions and decide that they like your personality. They FIRST look at my body/picture and THEN decide to get to know me. This is not what I want. people should decide to want to know me because of my actions. 

Beauty is not just skin deep. My personality is beautiful. THAT is what I think beauty is. But that is not the case. Once whoever I am in a relationship with (any kind, dating, friendship, etc), they get to know me and realize that I have a strong mind, even if it is a little messed up. I have more than just a body. Apparently, my personality is not as beautiful as I think it is. And that is shown through EVERY person who has left my life. 

I am NOT attracted to a person because of their outward beauty. I like them for their personality; their kindness and their selflessness, their funny bone and their heart, their love and their acceptance. This is what I look for. This is who I am. If you have a problem with that, then unfriend me right now, and I wont hold it against you. Do you like/love my inward beauty more than my outward ugly?

Beauty is not just skin deep, beauty lies inside. I would rather someone see me fall over and then fall inlove with me because of the klutz I am, rather than see me standing there and decided they like me. That is not what I want. 

Truth

Do you want to know the truth?

I am not who you think I am.

I am so much more.

There is more to me than what meets the eye. 

I cry,

when I get hurt.

I smile,

when I am happy.

I am strong,

strong enough to kick your ass.

I am scarred,

both emotionally and physically.

I am scared,

of the dark and my past.

But do you know what?I am getting better.

I found someone that makes me smile.

I found someone who cares about my hurt.

I found someone.

And I am not going to let them go,

not unless they want to.

And I really hope they don't want to.