My brother loved me, and I had a community behind me, and I had a girl who would stand by my side. I needed to tell my parents. My master plan was ruined, but I needed to tell the two most important people in my life, my parents. It was Sunday, April 17th, 2011. We had spent so much time together during the weekend, and never had I been so afraid in my life.
We spent the morning cleaning my room, it was very intense and I was quite happy with the outcome. I showed my parents the sign I made for the Break the Silence, Wisconsin event. The sign read "God sent us a rainbow as a sign of love. All we want, is to love. -AV" Then I realized what it said, and I corrected the reason why I had the sign, I told my mom I was holding it for a friend because she couldn't be there on Friday, for BTSW. My mom took this explanation with a skeptical look and continued on cleaning my room. When we finished my parents wondered what we should do for lunch, because by then the clock struck 1:00pm. I remembered some pictures I found on facebook from the protest and I showed my parents. There was one I really liked and it was me sitting on the rainbow flag on Bascom Hill. I showed my mom and she said she liked it, it was nice, and all the usual compliments one would give about a picture you didn't really like but knew you had to say something nice or else you would hurt someone's feelings. I thought nothing of it and we continued contemplating what we should do for lunch.
After a while the family decided on Chipotle. We ordered and sat in a booth, and I realized I was stuck between my family and a wall. Quite literally. I wanted to tell my parents, but at the same time I was afraid to. I didn't want to lose my family if things turned out poorly. My brother was sitting next to my father and the wall, I was sitting next to my mother and the wall, across from my brother. I had no idea what to do. At one point my parents left the table to get straws or something, I looked at my brother and asked him if he thought mom and dad were in a good enough mood to tell them. He looked at me and gave no expression, all he said was, "Abi, this is not my thing, this is your thing. I have no idea." Well that was so much help (yes dear readers, that was sarcasm).
Now about half way through my bowl, I realized I not only should tell them, but WANTED to tell them. But, at the same time, I was scared. Everyone else had finished eating, and I had give my fork to my mom because at that point I was to nervous to eat. My plate, or bowl I should say, sat in front of me, and I just stared at it. I was arguing in my mind wither I should get out of the booth and drag over a chair, that way if things started going bad, I could run away to the door and keep going. I also debated staying where I was in the booth, so my parents could both see me. I had no idea what to do, or how to go about it. I debated just yelling it to them, and also going about it gingerly. So many things and words spun around my mind, and I stopped paying attention to the conversation.
Finally, I texted two people, Matthias and Gabe. I told them I was going to tell my parents and to stand by, pray for me. They wished me luck, and I took a deep breath. I had decided on staying where I was against the wall. I put my back to the wall and put my chin on the lid of my cup. I slowly said, "You remember Kelsey, Kelsey Scott...?" Yes, for those of you who recognize, this is how I told my brother. It was at this point in time my brother realized what I was about to do and proclaimed, "I'm going to get a refill, does anyone want a refill?" My dad then let my brother out of the booth and he walked away. I couldn't help but think he was abandoning me. My only ally just up and left. I continued on, hoping things would go well. I repeated my question, "You remember Kelsey?" Both my parents said, yah we remember her, how is she doing?! I said, "Well, I haven't talked to her in a while.. But you know how she is bi. Bisexual?" They gave me a strange look and said no, we didn't know. I replied, "She told you mom, in the car. When she was in our carpool. Remember?" Mom said she did not remember, but she was getting older and as she got older her memory got worse. Well I looked at them and said, "You don't think any differently about her now that you know, right?" My dad said, "Of corse not, that is her decision, and we respect her decision." This gave me some hope, maybe my parents wont hate me completely.
"Well, what if I said I am a little more like her than you think?" ***Tears rolled down my face. My parent's faces were expressionless. I just looked at my cup, and kept on crying, not caring who could see me.*** "I mean with my sexuality. I'm not bi, I'm what's called pansexual. It means I'm attracted.. It means I like a person for their personality, that I could care less about their gender." It was at this point that I couldn't even look at my family anymore. I was too frightened of their reaction. Even if I did look in their direction, I was crying too hard to see anything. I chanced a look. My parents were giving me that, 'why are you crying' look. This just made me cry harder. I couldn't stand waiting. My mom said "Abi, we love you. We will always love you," at the same time that my dad said, "Abi, we love and respect you, that will never change."
Their words just cause me to continue crying, but even harder. I sobbed, "I just didn't want you to hate me. I had to tell you. I didn't want to lose my family." My mom looked at me in disbelief. She gathered me in her arms and rocked me back and fourth like she did when I was little. This just caused the crying to increase because I couldn't believe what they said, how they reacted. My brother then returned to the table, and when my dad stood up he asked me if I wanted more diet coke. I said yes through my sobs. I then confessed to my mother as my dad walked away with my cup, "It's just I know how you are, you wanted to be the first women priest, I just thought that you would hate me because it is against the church." My mom cut me off, she explained that the church is slowly changing. She told me about Galleaho (or however you spell it). She said the church was against the idea of the Earth revolving around the Sun, and Galleaho was put on house arrest until he died. Now, years later, the church acknowledges science, and that the Earth revolves around the Sun, and that the church is not the center of the universe. She said that the church is slowly but surly moving forward. It may not come soon, but it will come some day that the church recognizes the LGBT community.
My tears slowed down. I looked at my brother and father having a conversation, seemingly oblivious about a member of the family crying. I then started munching on the salad from my bowl. My dad looked at me, and it was then that my heart broke. He gave me a look that is indescribable. He stood up, and he walked away for the second time.. I started crying all over again. I thought 'this is it, he finally comprehended what I said, and he no longer loves me.' I didn't want my father to hate me. No matter how much I may deny it, I am a daddy's girl; I always have been and I always will be. Dear reader, nothing can describe, or even come close to describing, the joy I felt when I saw my daddy walking back to the table. He sat down, and stuck a fork in my bowl and said, "just in case you want to keep munching."
They acted as though nothing had changed, and continued their visit as though I had never told them. They didn't treat me differently as I had suspected they would. They didn't kick me out or disown me. They love me and I have never been so happy. I have hid from them for so long, for years, that I didn't know how to act now that they knew. I have lied and snuck around trying to find myself, and now that I have, and now that they know, this world I created for them is off my shoulders; and yet I could not help but feel tied down. I am not sure how I was so posed to act just yet. I had hidden in the rowed I created for so long, I need tome to mend and bend t with the world I want and have been living in with out my parents knowledge.
As my eyes dried, and I continued to eat, I asked my mom what she thought about it. Her response did not really surprise me, but in a way it did. She said, "Well sweety, We figured it something like this was going on, what with how involved you got in the community." This made me so happy. They WAITED for me to be comfortable enough to tell them. They knew for a while, and they still loved me, and acted as though nothing was different with me. And it's true. Nothing WAS different. The only thing that changed was my confidence in telling my family about who I really am.
Dear reader, there is one main thing I learned through all of this. Family love, is the most meaningful and powerful thing in the world. What ever you do, never let it go voluntary. If my family can love me for who I am, as I am, they will always love me. My family means the world to me, and I would never want to give them up for anything. I love my family, and my family loves me.
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