Voices

You know that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I have one of those.. The only problem is that it tends to appear more in a, 'you did shit wrong you stupid bitch- you should have learned from the last time something like this happened, like (fill in painful memory here).' I am my toughest critic. I know many people say that, but for me its more so. I remember every bad instance in my life, the times I mess up, the times I stutter, the times I fell and the times people yelled at me. Every horrible moment of my life runs through my head. They take turns, and appear each and every time something similar happens... And something similar happens a lot.It actually got so bad in high school, that every time I remembered a bad memory I would physically beat myself up. I would try to resist, and that would end up with me in a shaking fit. I ended up hitting my head against the wall, or if I was not near a wall I would hit myself in the head multiple times. I feel as though this was the start of my self-harm era.
The reason why I wrote this is because it has been happening increasingly often ever since I got happy. I remember every time I was happy, something bad happens. I hope nothing bad happens.
I really like this girl, and she makes me happy, every time we hug or touch she makes me smile. I can't help but look at her out of the corner of my eye, just to see her and make me smile once more. She accepts the fact that I have things that are wrong with me, like my OCD and depression and anxiety and the possibility of me being bipolar.
I couldn't tell at first if something was actually wrong with me. I thought what I was hearing was just construction noise. But then after a while, I heard it when the construction was not going on, then I thought it was just a radio in my neighbors apartment. Then something strange happened. I realized it wasn't. Things happened, and stuff went down, and the voice in my head finally started to make fun of me and feel crazier than I thought I was.
You know, as I write this I no longer know where I am headed, so I think I'll end it before I weave a web of more things that will confuse you more. I'm sorry if you were hoping for a deep though and wise words, but sometimes all I need to do is write things down to think things through.