One Year Ago

One year ago is when I started to post on this blogg. Since then, I have changed so much. I am much more confident in myself, and I no longer think that this blog is not read by anyone. I know people read it now, and it makes me see how far I have come in one year.

One year ago I was afriad to walk down the street at night. Now I am able to be at the library this late and walk home alone, granted that is probably not the smartest thing I have ever done, but I now know how to handle myself in a horrible situation.

One year ago I was pretty much a loner, I didn't have many friends, ad I didn't know how to make any. Now I have so many friends, most of the time I will be walking to class and see someone I know. That is a major improvement.

One year ago I was a closeted queer woman. Now, I am outed and not ashamed. Granted it is not the first thing I tell people I meet, can you imagine? Introducing myself as "Hi, I'm Abi, and I'm queer"? I get enough shit for being so honest and open as it is thank you very much!

One year ago I was too afraid to be myself, and now look at me, I came out and have been more confident than ever! I lost a few friends, but gain some more. I was afraid to dress how I wanted, and now I am dressing myself every day! :)

There are so many things I could compare about one year ago and today, but I gave you the important ones. Thank you for reading my blogg, and thank you for all your support over the last year. It really does mean a lot to me.

Playful Neighbors

I wish I could say that we could be more but you don't see me in 'that' way. Im just the girl down the hall to you... The girl who is bipolar and likes to 'play'. Maybe it's because you think I really am taken, perhaps that's why you don't want this to be serious... Then again, you said "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" before I said I was in a relationship... Perhaps I should tell you the truth, that the girl I love really isn't my girlfriend... Maybe the playing isn't enough to convince you that we really do have chemistry.

Since the first time I saw you,I realized that something was going to happen to us... and it did... I just don't know where it's going to lead us... I hope you know that. I'm not some slut even if I do act like it. And I'm confident enough with myself to act this way, No matter what happens, I am always going to be honest with you... Maybe I'll joke every now and then, but I'll never lie.

My girlfriend? That's not a lie, she is my girlfriend. We have a relationship unlike any other. Intimate and physical. Everything I could ask for. But I'm still asking if you could see us being more, or will we forever just be playful neighbors?

Poems, Buses, and Memories

I keep finding poems I wrote for you.. It's hard for me to sit here and read these amazing pieces and know that the feeling didn't last... I write poems for so few people, and the words I write are real and me. It's hard for me to know we are no longer....
I saw you today again.. I was waiting for the 85 bus and you walked right past... I don't know if you just didn't look at me because you read my last blog and know how much the look killed me inside, or because you didn't notice me. I don't know which answer is worse for me to think of as the truth... I don't want you to ignore me, but I don't want you to notice me either...
Distractions only do so much, I still wake up at night shaking because I had a dream about you, about the letter, about the lies that I lived for an entire month. A MONTH. You lead me to believe you still loved me in 'that' way for a whole month. I was hanging on all the memories we made in the short time we were together. If you don't believe me just look back on my blog. I know you are reading it. The fact that you kept me hanging on for that long leads me to believe you didn't love me the way you said you did... And that is what hurts the most.
Every moment I don't see you, I long to see you and have your love again... But then every time I see you all I feel is pain and confusion...

I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I don't know what I'm doing or how I should feel....

But I am

I hope you are happy... I'm doing everything I promised... I am actually moving on. I don't seem so sad anymore... But then I see what I wrote about you and then all the feelings come rushing back to me....
There is someone, and he is helping me move on. But this guy, he's not looking for a relationship, and neither am I.. He is just there to make me feel like I am attractive and people would want to be with me in any way shape or form.. See what I have been reduced to? Falling for someone who would never seriously be with me BECAUSE I just like the idea that he likes me... He doesn't know much of my past, but he knows enough that it feels fine.. How the hell can I be happy with a guy like this? But I am. But I am.

The First Time

The first time, the first time I saw you in weeks, perhaps 2 months since the last time I saw you, one month since my heart was shattered. I walked into the building I moved into just to be closer to you, I was speaking with my friends, marching in the front... All of a sudden I look ahead, and I see you... Your hat, your jeans, and your gray shirt... I saw your hair, the messy knot in the back pulled through the hat.... It all broke my heart again... I last looked at your face... The face I once remembered covered in the look of love, the face that danced in my dreams.... It was worse than I could have imagined... The look on your face was as if you were seeing me, and I was an ugly person who did you wrong... It hurt, it hurt me so much...
I forced myself to look away... I forced myself to keep my pace at a steady pace.. But my smile was gone... Tears swam to my eyes... I walked and turned a corner... My friends laughed on. As soon as I turned the corner I broke out into a run. Where did I want to go? I didn't know. I just ran on. I took a left, I could hear my friends chasing me and calling my name. I didn't stop. I saw the doors, I pushed through and ran out to the warm fall air. I was dizzy, the tears over flowed. I was crying... I sat on the steps and cried... How long until my friends found me I didn't know. All I know was that seeing that look on her face broke my heart and confirmed my suspicion.... She really doesn't care...
My friends found me, they asked me what was wrong, and I replied through sobs, "I told you, I told you if I saw her I would cry... I saw her..." I don't remember what they said to that, I just remember them sitting down and trying to comfort me. I remember crying and not caring who could hear me... I remember all the hurt I felt as soon as I read the letter that she sent me.... And then, I remember I needed to do something that would make me forge the feeling I had... And it is something I regret almost instantly...
I stopped crying... I stopped, and knew I needed to do something else.... What, I didn't know.... Just something... And so I did.
The tears may come again, and I may feel the hurt for many moons more, but I can honestly say, the letter will be burned as soon as I am able to set it a-flame. I will move on from who I thought would be there forever. And I will never be able to forgive myself for saying this, but I will continue to love her, but I will now avoid her.... Because the more I see her, the more my heart breaks... This time I only saw her for a few seconds, 15 at the most. That broke my heart more than I thought possible.... I don't want to feel that hurt, because it was that hurt that made me convince myself that there is worse pain out there... It was more or less because of a feeling of hurt that made me start to hurt myself... And I will never go back.
I wanted nothing more than to hurt myself.. But I wont. I made a promise to myself I would stay strong... And I will... No matter who hurts me... No matter how much I love or loved them... No matter what they did to make me feel like that.... I will always love myself... And I will never hurt myself again...