The First Time

The first time, the first time I saw you in weeks, perhaps 2 months since the last time I saw you, one month since my heart was shattered. I walked into the building I moved into just to be closer to you, I was speaking with my friends, marching in the front... All of a sudden I look ahead, and I see you... Your hat, your jeans, and your gray shirt... I saw your hair, the messy knot in the back pulled through the hat.... It all broke my heart again... I last looked at your face... The face I once remembered covered in the look of love, the face that danced in my dreams.... It was worse than I could have imagined... The look on your face was as if you were seeing me, and I was an ugly person who did you wrong... It hurt, it hurt me so much...
I forced myself to look away... I forced myself to keep my pace at a steady pace.. But my smile was gone... Tears swam to my eyes... I walked and turned a corner... My friends laughed on. As soon as I turned the corner I broke out into a run. Where did I want to go? I didn't know. I just ran on. I took a left, I could hear my friends chasing me and calling my name. I didn't stop. I saw the doors, I pushed through and ran out to the warm fall air. I was dizzy, the tears over flowed. I was crying... I sat on the steps and cried... How long until my friends found me I didn't know. All I know was that seeing that look on her face broke my heart and confirmed my suspicion.... She really doesn't care...
My friends found me, they asked me what was wrong, and I replied through sobs, "I told you, I told you if I saw her I would cry... I saw her..." I don't remember what they said to that, I just remember them sitting down and trying to comfort me. I remember crying and not caring who could hear me... I remember all the hurt I felt as soon as I read the letter that she sent me.... And then, I remember I needed to do something that would make me forge the feeling I had... And it is something I regret almost instantly...
I stopped crying... I stopped, and knew I needed to do something else.... What, I didn't know.... Just something... And so I did.
The tears may come again, and I may feel the hurt for many moons more, but I can honestly say, the letter will be burned as soon as I am able to set it a-flame. I will move on from who I thought would be there forever. And I will never be able to forgive myself for saying this, but I will continue to love her, but I will now avoid her.... Because the more I see her, the more my heart breaks... This time I only saw her for a few seconds, 15 at the most. That broke my heart more than I thought possible.... I don't want to feel that hurt, because it was that hurt that made me convince myself that there is worse pain out there... It was more or less because of a feeling of hurt that made me start to hurt myself... And I will never go back.
I wanted nothing more than to hurt myself.. But I wont. I made a promise to myself I would stay strong... And I will... No matter who hurts me... No matter how much I love or loved them... No matter what they did to make me feel like that.... I will always love myself... And I will never hurt myself again...