Home Sweet Shit.

I live in Madison. I vacation to Minnesota. It used to be I said it the other way around, but then I realized something... Most every person I thought I loved and who would never leave, left when I did. I never left my spirit anywhere except when I left to school. But now? Now I realized its not good to leave a part of your life behind, you need to keep life with you. I leave my love for Minnesota behind now. I am a Sconni, a Badger, and someone who if you really give a shit about, you would tell me when something major happens in your life the way I did for you. The way I always did for you. But now? Now I just don't know what the fuck to think anymore. I hope you have a better person to be your best friend, because apparently I was not good enough. I am NEVER good enough.





Some of you are probably wondering why that picture is on this blogg. The reason is because apparently this is where I belong, it's what people see me as. Shit.

What did I do?

I've lost love before
but not like this.
I don't know what I did.
Please,
tell me if there is something
I can do,
to show you I can be better.
I love you so much,
and honestly,
I have never
NEVER,
loved anyone the way I love you..
Please tell me,
what did I do?

I Will Let Go.

I feel like you stopped caring.
You stopped replying.
You no longer say you love me
no longer tell me anything...
so much has changed,
the way you act around me
that is if you see me at all
the way you text me
it seems so formal
the way you are...
Was I a stepping stone?
Someone you used to
become true to yourself?
I never used you.
I never lied to you.
I still love you.
I would do anything...
Even if that means saying
goodbye.
If that means you would be happy
I would
if it means anything
I just want you to be happy.
I just want you to be happy.
I love you so much,
so I will let go.
I will let go...
If you want that.

A Pile of Stars

I miss talking to you
every single day.
I don't know where you are
anymore..
I miss you.
I still make you stars,
with the hopes that I will see you
before I leave again.
Seeing a pile of reasons
of why I love you
and how amazing you are
breaks my heart.
I love to think of the reasons,
but I would rather see the reasons.
That pile,
of folded paper
on which those words are written,
gives me reason to smile....
but day by day
the pile grows,
and my heart aches
because I long to see you.
I love you...
Do you still love me?
If you doubt my love
just one look will show you
that I never stopped...
Because everyday
I think of another three or four
things to tell you
to write for you
about why you are amazing,
and how lucky I am
to have you...
Do I still have you?
...
I miss you
...
I love you.

I Don't Want to Remember

I became that person I swore I would never be. I become that person who wants Saturday to come so I can see what party is available for me to lose myself in. I don't know how I became this person. I suppose I was tired of sitting out and wanted to be with my friends instead of on my own. I want to go back to the time before I hurt myself because my clumsiness grew. I want to go back to the person I was. I have never cheated on my significant other, and I never will. I don't really recall what the hell happened that night, nor the next. But I do remember people touching me, and me wanting to get out of there. I remember I scared a friend so much because she could not find me. I remember that I didn't want to remember. I don't want to remember.
Boys fight, men compromise and accept defeat. I remember we were dancing and talking, I remember another guy asking who I wanted to dance with. I didn't reply, I just fell over. I was vulnerable and they BOTH took advantage of that. Acting like they are helping me up, when in reality they were touching me. I shoved at their hands, but I slipped on the sticky floor and into one of them. They other said are you sure, you don't know what you re missing. He asked the first guy if I was his girl, he replied Yeah, for the night, ahhhhh! *high five* As if I could not hear them. I have never felt so used.
Nothing happened more than that. They grabbed me, they tried to kiss me, I didn't want them too. They touched me. I didn't want them to. I don't want to remember if they succeeded at all in what they wanted. I know they did not, my friends may not have protected me from everything, but I know she and he protected me from the worst possible outcome. For that I am grateful.
I love my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her. This is a promise I can keep, and I will keep it. If you are reading this, know I didn't want any of this. I was safe with my friends, and I was stupid for taking more than I could handle. I ask forgiveness for my stupidity. I will never let anyone take me from you, because I love you so much. No matter what they do, how they try to do it, or if they think it's OK because I won't remember it all, I will never let anything happen. I save myself for the one person who I KNOW loves me. I love you. This is something that I will always remember, and I love to remember it.