Tears that Fall

Tears that fall from my eyes are tears that are hard for me to cry... I cry for many reasons, but mainly because I always act like I am happy... The truth is, I don't know if I am happy or not... I won't say I'm necessarily sad, I'm just not sure if I am happy...

I have been through a hell of a lot in life... More in my 20 years of living than most people for their whole life... But I don't know what I want to do with it.. The rest of my life stretches out in front of me, and I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to work to be happy, I should just BE.

I do many things with my hands, intricate work that keeps my mind focused... I feel as though that is just because I don't want to have my mind wander away from something I can control. Will this scarf be red, or white? Will I drop a stitch? I have to focus so much with what I am doing, I have no opportunity to feel anything other than concentration.

I cry because I don't know when I will be truly and genuinely happy again.

I wish for love... I miss being in love. That feeling of always having someone to go to, to make you smile and forget your worries, someone to hold you and kiss away your tears... I want that feeling again... But no matter what I do, I feel as though my sadness drives away all the love that ever was in my life... My first serious boyfriend: I tried to protect him from my sadness and anger and that drove him away..... My first love: I let him in too much, I let him take too much, and he loved me with the money he had... My last love: I don't know what went wrong there exactly... I just miss the feeling of love... I want it...

And I feel that is why I did what I did when I was with my neighbor. I went to him when I needed the space filled, the emptiness filled... I knew it wouldn't last, and yet I went to him anyway because I knew for that moment, I could feel whole again. When I ended it, I felt free, but now I feel trapped.. I feel trapped BECAUSE now I have nothing to give me that feeling of whole, not even for a moment...

And so I cry.