My Heart Falls

My heart keeps falling into my stomach. This entire trip to Australia.... Not just because of car sickness either... It's just... I don't feel like who I thought I was. I don't feel brave anymore. For moments in time I will forget about my hurt and feel happy, and the happiness will be true. The only problem is that once I remember the hurt, I feel horrible that I am happy again.

There is this man, he has been hogging the computers all night. My mom needed it to fix a flight problem we have for tomorrow. She waited like 30 min or so, and asked if he would be off soon. He said he had business and could wrap it up faster if she needed. About 5 min later, my mom, I am assuming to be nice, told him she couldn't use the computer anymore she did not have the right information. He looked at her like she was crazy. My mom walked out and he said "I just lost a lot of money on her, stupid people."

I should have said something, but I couldn't.. That feeling is sort of what I felt every time I wanted to feel happy but couldn't....

*shakes head* Racists.

Ok, any person who says there is no racism in this country just because we have a black president is blind to the actual issues in this world. Not only that, but they piss me off. Why don't THEY live through the stairs when you walk in a store. Why don't THEY walk down the street and get called names. Why don't they open their goddamn eyes and see what is going on EVERYWHERE?
The thing is, THEY CANT because they are WHITE. It pisses me off when they pull some stat out their ass proving there is no racism, and if there is its from the black community. One, that is racist. Two, they are stupid. Three- FUCK OFF UNTIL THEY ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY IN A BAD WAY JUST BECAUSE OF HOW THEY LOOK, THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

I Don't Get it

You don't get it, you just don't fucking get it. It is hard to let you go. I love you so much... I am trying, trying to let you go... But some part of me does not want to let go. I am trying to move on, but whenever someone smiles at me in 'that' way, I only think of you.... You were all that ran through my head every day, and now I just want you to stand still... How can someone who makes me so mad yet I love so much frustrate me so?
I have read your letter at least a hundred times, and I still don't get it... I still cry... I am trying to move on, I really am. But love is not something I can just turn off because you don't feel it too. It will always be there... In my mind and my heart... But I will try to move on, and I will eventually succeed.

I Give Up

I GIVE UP. I wish I could say on everything... But honestly I can't say that. I suppose I give up on trying...

I  don't want to try to get along with everyone. I don't want to try to figure out why some people are mean and give them another shot and give them another shot. Honestly, there are only so many shots that I can give, and even less shots that they deserve. If a person is a jerk from the first moment I meet them, what are the chances that they will change? Slim to none.

I GIVE UP

I give up on trying to find someone who will NEVER judge me or hate me or get upset with me. I know I have problems, and I admit this not only to myself but to other people as well. Why should I try to act like I am perfect when I know I am not? Why should I act like someone I know I am not just to please people? WHY!?

I give up... I give up on a lot of things.... But those are the two I will tell you about today, maybe others on other days will come out, but this is all I can bear to say at this moment in time...

Rant for the Day

I give up. I just wanted to do something for me. I wanted cookies. I made cookies. I stood in the hot kitchen making them... I mixed, I cooked, I wanted to eat... I took them out of the oven and I asked everyone if they wanted one. They all said yes, I told them NOT to take the big cookies. I had too much dough so I decided not to eat any cookies at that time. I went on a run, and I came home. I took a shower and I sat in the living room. I came out at like 1030... almost all the cookies were gone... I repeated, do not eat the big cookies or the ones in the container (because I put some aside for my friend Erika). I went to bed. I woke up and saw there were AT MOST 5 cookies left. One of which was a big cookie... I ate all but two cookies, one big and one little. I was going to save them for after dinner. The rest of my day went fine. That is until my brother came home and ate my cookie. My BIG cookie. Now normally I wouldn't make a big skeptical of a cookie. But after I told everyone NOT to eat the big cookies, and after being dumped, after being alone for DAYS straight... I am allowed to bitch him out. OH! Not to mention that he promised me brownies, and did not deliver said brownies: I really am allowed to bitch him out.
End of my rant for the day.