No matter how much time has past
No matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
The way you treated me
they way you looked at me
the way you touched me.
I wanted it all.
I loved you,
maybe I still do
but you hurt me
It sent my mind askew
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
You were my first love.
You were my first dance.
You were my first person
I loved at first glance
Why did you hurt me?
After the promises you made.
Why did you hurt me?
In that way.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
I'm over it now,
I have learned to go on,
I have someone now
and our love is strong.
No I won't be completely healed
No I won't completely forget
But one thing is certain
and I would win this bet.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I loved you,
but my love has changed.
I have someone
and now my life is arranged
in such a way
that I don't thinkof that pain
but of her kindness
that washed away the rain.
I am over you,
but I wont forget
because they scars are still here
but you can bet
I wont look at them again
until the time comes.
I will look back at the day
and see you once more
but by then the hurt
will be out the door.
This is my goodbye
I won't think anymore
this is my goodbye
it's something I swore.
Goodbye.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Limbs
A tangle of limbs
the touch of your skin
the smell of sweat
things make you upset.
the fire created
my lips inflated.
What can I do
when I'm with you
and you start to cry
inside I die.
I really dislike
being called a dyke.
but what he said
made your tears shed.
I grabbed you closer
I hate this poser.
I must stay strong
so I gave you my song.
The one for about
us being out
and how I would love you
through and though.
you and me
forever we'll be,
Forever together
together forever
I love you.
the touch of your skin
the smell of sweat
things make you upset.
the fire created
my lips inflated.
What can I do
when I'm with you
and you start to cry
inside I die.
I really dislike
being called a dyke.
but what he said
made your tears shed.
I grabbed you closer
I hate this poser.
I must stay strong
so I gave you my song.
The one for about
us being out
and how I would love you
through and though.
you and me
forever we'll be,
Forever together
together forever
I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Belonging
Sometimes I feel as though, even though I have so much in common with a group of people, I can't help but be the outsider. Take this program I am in, we are all in the STEM fields, we are all of color, and we are all taking the same classes. With all of these things, I still can't help but feel as though I don't really belong. I was gone this past weekend for my Girl Scout Gold Award, and I don't think anyone noticed that I was gone. This is extremely difficult to do in a group of only 21 students. In a group that small, everyone knows everyone. How could no one not notice I was gone? I walked into my own apartment, and there were at least 5 people there including my roommate, they all looked surprised that I walked in. HELLOOOOOO! It's my room, I would think that they would notice that I was not in my own room. But what ever.
I don't really feel like I belong here, I don't have many people that I talk to constantly, I just do my homework and I keep my nose in the books. What else is there to do? Talk to people? I feel as though everyone just rolls their eyes and doesn't give a sh!t about what I have to say. I work better when I am alone or in a very small group. Anything more than 2 other people I just don't know what to do. Perhaps this is because I try to please everyone, and when the number of people goes up, the harder it is to please them all. So then I just shut down.
Well, those are my thoughts. Please don't judge.
I don't really feel like I belong here, I don't have many people that I talk to constantly, I just do my homework and I keep my nose in the books. What else is there to do? Talk to people? I feel as though everyone just rolls their eyes and doesn't give a sh!t about what I have to say. I work better when I am alone or in a very small group. Anything more than 2 other people I just don't know what to do. Perhaps this is because I try to please everyone, and when the number of people goes up, the harder it is to please them all. So then I just shut down.
Well, those are my thoughts. Please don't judge.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
When I was Young
When I as young, I grew up as a girl who was taught not to take crap from anyone. The reason why is because I am a Mexican American, and in some cases I look more Mexican than American. It's hard, growing up and having random people in stores and on the street hate you for no reason. I was confused, I did nothing wrong, why did they look at me so? Why did they skip me in line? Why did they talk to my daddy like that? What was that word they used, Illegal, Alien, Immigrant? What did they mean go home? There were so many questions, and there were no easy answers.
I remember the first time I was confused as to who I was, and not because someone treated me differently, but because they were glad I was in their class. Her name was Maureen, and we were best friends for a few years in grade school. We were in the 2nd grade, and we learned about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement. We learned about how schools used to be only filled with white students or students of color, namely African Americans because at that time those were the two races. My friend didn't know there was more than one color a person could be, and she thought that meant I was African American. News flash, I'm not. But I remember her walking over to me by the coat hangers, hugging me and exclaiming loudly, "I'm so glad that man was alive, because if he wasn't, I would never have meet my little black friend Abi!" I looked at her, and told her I wasn't black, and she said I was of color, and that made me black. That is all I remember of that day, I don't know how my parents handled that bit of information, explaining to me I am not black, but rather Mexican. But I do know this now.
Now what does all of this have to do with me not taking crap from anyone? I'll tell you, it was later that year during recess, I remember Maureen, Alexis and I were laying on the grass and attempting to get a tan. Now we were young, and Maureen and I listened to Alexis when she said to be tan meant to get lighter. Alexis looked at me and said, "you really need a tan, Abi, you are way to dark. " I remember coming home and telling my parents I wanted to be lighter skinned, because that is what my friend said, I wanted to be like everyone else, white. My dad looked at me and told me that many people would tell me things I wouldn't want to hear, but I should not take what they say to heart. I am perfect the way I am. Also that I should never take something anyone says about me that is negative sitting down, PROVE THEM WRONG!
Well this is something that has stuck with me for years and years, prove them wrong. Perhaps my daddy did not mean in every aspect should I prove people wrong. People said I was weak, the first time they said this I do not remember, so I proved them wrong. I kicked their ass. They then said I was a bitch, and I didn't know how to prove them wrong on that, so I just made being a bitch a good thing, or something I embraced. :) I enjoy standing my ground, and I refuse to take shit from people. I stand up for me, because it is what people don't expect. I learned that from long ago, but I have added more to it. I like being strong, and I enjoy the feeling of power I have over how people think of me. I also enjoy making people gasp in shock when I get them in a chock hold. :)
I know that sounds mean, but for me, it is just who I am or how I act. If you got a problem with it, you can kiss my fist as it hits your face ;) But really, I don't fight people very often, just when I get really really pissed off. So you have no reason to fear. ;)
I remember the first time I was confused as to who I was, and not because someone treated me differently, but because they were glad I was in their class. Her name was Maureen, and we were best friends for a few years in grade school. We were in the 2nd grade, and we learned about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the civil rights movement. We learned about how schools used to be only filled with white students or students of color, namely African Americans because at that time those were the two races. My friend didn't know there was more than one color a person could be, and she thought that meant I was African American. News flash, I'm not. But I remember her walking over to me by the coat hangers, hugging me and exclaiming loudly, "I'm so glad that man was alive, because if he wasn't, I would never have meet my little black friend Abi!" I looked at her, and told her I wasn't black, and she said I was of color, and that made me black. That is all I remember of that day, I don't know how my parents handled that bit of information, explaining to me I am not black, but rather Mexican. But I do know this now.
Now what does all of this have to do with me not taking crap from anyone? I'll tell you, it was later that year during recess, I remember Maureen, Alexis and I were laying on the grass and attempting to get a tan. Now we were young, and Maureen and I listened to Alexis when she said to be tan meant to get lighter. Alexis looked at me and said, "you really need a tan, Abi, you are way to dark. " I remember coming home and telling my parents I wanted to be lighter skinned, because that is what my friend said, I wanted to be like everyone else, white. My dad looked at me and told me that many people would tell me things I wouldn't want to hear, but I should not take what they say to heart. I am perfect the way I am. Also that I should never take something anyone says about me that is negative sitting down, PROVE THEM WRONG!
Well this is something that has stuck with me for years and years, prove them wrong. Perhaps my daddy did not mean in every aspect should I prove people wrong. People said I was weak, the first time they said this I do not remember, so I proved them wrong. I kicked their ass. They then said I was a bitch, and I didn't know how to prove them wrong on that, so I just made being a bitch a good thing, or something I embraced. :) I enjoy standing my ground, and I refuse to take shit from people. I stand up for me, because it is what people don't expect. I learned that from long ago, but I have added more to it. I like being strong, and I enjoy the feeling of power I have over how people think of me. I also enjoy making people gasp in shock when I get them in a chock hold. :)
I know that sounds mean, but for me, it is just who I am or how I act. If you got a problem with it, you can kiss my fist as it hits your face ;) But really, I don't fight people very often, just when I get really really pissed off. So you have no reason to fear. ;)
Remember
It hurts, I know,
It hurts, it shows.
Please my dear, dry your tears,
Please my dear, have little fear
your heart may hurt, but soon it'll mend
your heart may hurt, but that will end.
You deserve, the very best
You deserve, someone with zest.
Honey bear, soon time will come
Honey bear, with the setting sun.
Someone new, just wait and see
Someone new, just like me
who loves you every night and day
who loves you in every single way.
They will never hurt like the other
They will never hurt, the past will be smothered
Baby girl, you will pull through
Baby girl, you'll be almost new.
I promise you something, now listen to this
I promise you something, you'll have a bliss.
If anything hurts you, remember my dear
If anything hurts you, I am always near.
I love you so much, if I haven't said
I love you so much, now I'm going to bed. ;) xoxo
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