I miss talking to you
every single day.
I don't know where you are
anymore..
I miss you.
I still make you stars,
with the hopes that I will see you
before I leave again.
Seeing a pile of reasons
of why I love you
and how amazing you are
breaks my heart.
I love to think of the reasons,
but I would rather see the reasons.
That pile,
of folded paper
on which those words are written,
gives me reason to smile....
but day by day
the pile grows,
and my heart aches
because I long to see you.
I love you...
Do you still love me?
If you doubt my love
just one look will show you
that I never stopped...
Because everyday
I think of another three or four
things to tell you
to write for you
about why you are amazing,
and how lucky I am
to have you...
Do I still have you?
...
I miss you
...
I love you.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
I Don't Want to Remember
I became that person I swore I would never be. I become that person who wants Saturday to come so I can see what party is available for me to lose myself in. I don't know how I became this person. I suppose I was tired of sitting out and wanted to be with my friends instead of on my own. I want to go back to the time before I hurt myself because my clumsiness grew. I want to go back to the person I was. I have never cheated on my significant other, and I never will. I don't really recall what the hell happened that night, nor the next. But I do remember people touching me, and me wanting to get out of there. I remember I scared a friend so much because she could not find me. I remember that I didn't want to remember. I don't want to remember.
Boys fight, men compromise and accept defeat. I remember we were dancing and talking, I remember another guy asking who I wanted to dance with. I didn't reply, I just fell over. I was vulnerable and they BOTH took advantage of that. Acting like they are helping me up, when in reality they were touching me. I shoved at their hands, but I slipped on the sticky floor and into one of them. They other said are you sure, you don't know what you re missing. He asked the first guy if I was his girl, he replied Yeah, for the night, ahhhhh! *high five* As if I could not hear them. I have never felt so used.
Nothing happened more than that. They grabbed me, they tried to kiss me, I didn't want them too. They touched me. I didn't want them to. I don't want to remember if they succeeded at all in what they wanted. I know they did not, my friends may not have protected me from everything, but I know she and he protected me from the worst possible outcome. For that I am grateful.
I love my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her. This is a promise I can keep, and I will keep it. If you are reading this, know I didn't want any of this. I was safe with my friends, and I was stupid for taking more than I could handle. I ask forgiveness for my stupidity. I will never let anyone take me from you, because I love you so much. No matter what they do, how they try to do it, or if they think it's OK because I won't remember it all, I will never let anything happen. I save myself for the one person who I KNOW loves me. I love you. This is something that I will always remember, and I love to remember it.
Boys fight, men compromise and accept defeat. I remember we were dancing and talking, I remember another guy asking who I wanted to dance with. I didn't reply, I just fell over. I was vulnerable and they BOTH took advantage of that. Acting like they are helping me up, when in reality they were touching me. I shoved at their hands, but I slipped on the sticky floor and into one of them. They other said are you sure, you don't know what you re missing. He asked the first guy if I was his girl, he replied Yeah, for the night, ahhhhh! *high five* As if I could not hear them. I have never felt so used.
Nothing happened more than that. They grabbed me, they tried to kiss me, I didn't want them too. They touched me. I didn't want them to. I don't want to remember if they succeeded at all in what they wanted. I know they did not, my friends may not have protected me from everything, but I know she and he protected me from the worst possible outcome. For that I am grateful.
I love my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her. This is a promise I can keep, and I will keep it. If you are reading this, know I didn't want any of this. I was safe with my friends, and I was stupid for taking more than I could handle. I ask forgiveness for my stupidity. I will never let anyone take me from you, because I love you so much. No matter what they do, how they try to do it, or if they think it's OK because I won't remember it all, I will never let anything happen. I save myself for the one person who I KNOW loves me. I love you. This is something that I will always remember, and I love to remember it.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Goodbye
No matter how much time has past
No matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
The way you treated me
they way you looked at me
the way you touched me.
I wanted it all.
I loved you,
maybe I still do
but you hurt me
It sent my mind askew
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
You were my first love.
You were my first dance.
You were my first person
I loved at first glance
Why did you hurt me?
After the promises you made.
Why did you hurt me?
In that way.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
I'm over it now,
I have learned to go on,
I have someone now
and our love is strong.
No I won't be completely healed
No I won't completely forget
But one thing is certain
and I would win this bet.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I loved you,
but my love has changed.
I have someone
and now my life is arranged
in such a way
that I don't thinkof that pain
but of her kindness
that washed away the rain.
I am over you,
but I wont forget
because they scars are still here
but you can bet
I wont look at them again
until the time comes.
I will look back at the day
and see you once more
but by then the hurt
will be out the door.
This is my goodbye
I won't think anymore
this is my goodbye
it's something I swore.
Goodbye.
No matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
The way you treated me
they way you looked at me
the way you touched me.
I wanted it all.
I loved you,
maybe I still do
but you hurt me
It sent my mind askew
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
You were my first love.
You were my first dance.
You were my first person
I loved at first glance
Why did you hurt me?
After the promises you made.
Why did you hurt me?
In that way.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I still hurt because of you.
I'm over it now,
I have learned to go on,
I have someone now
and our love is strong.
No I won't be completely healed
No I won't completely forget
But one thing is certain
and I would win this bet.
No matter how much time has past
no matter how many tears I have cryed
No matter how much I tell myself otherwise
I loved you,
but my love has changed.
I have someone
and now my life is arranged
in such a way
that I don't thinkof that pain
but of her kindness
that washed away the rain.
I am over you,
but I wont forget
because they scars are still here
but you can bet
I wont look at them again
until the time comes.
I will look back at the day
and see you once more
but by then the hurt
will be out the door.
This is my goodbye
I won't think anymore
this is my goodbye
it's something I swore.
Goodbye.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Limbs
A tangle of limbs
the touch of your skin
the smell of sweat
things make you upset.
the fire created
my lips inflated.
What can I do
when I'm with you
and you start to cry
inside I die.
I really dislike
being called a dyke.
but what he said
made your tears shed.
I grabbed you closer
I hate this poser.
I must stay strong
so I gave you my song.
The one for about
us being out
and how I would love you
through and though.
you and me
forever we'll be,
Forever together
together forever
I love you.
the touch of your skin
the smell of sweat
things make you upset.
the fire created
my lips inflated.
What can I do
when I'm with you
and you start to cry
inside I die.
I really dislike
being called a dyke.
but what he said
made your tears shed.
I grabbed you closer
I hate this poser.
I must stay strong
so I gave you my song.
The one for about
us being out
and how I would love you
through and though.
you and me
forever we'll be,
Forever together
together forever
I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Belonging
Sometimes I feel as though, even though I have so much in common with a group of people, I can't help but be the outsider. Take this program I am in, we are all in the STEM fields, we are all of color, and we are all taking the same classes. With all of these things, I still can't help but feel as though I don't really belong. I was gone this past weekend for my Girl Scout Gold Award, and I don't think anyone noticed that I was gone. This is extremely difficult to do in a group of only 21 students. In a group that small, everyone knows everyone. How could no one not notice I was gone? I walked into my own apartment, and there were at least 5 people there including my roommate, they all looked surprised that I walked in. HELLOOOOOO! It's my room, I would think that they would notice that I was not in my own room. But what ever.
I don't really feel like I belong here, I don't have many people that I talk to constantly, I just do my homework and I keep my nose in the books. What else is there to do? Talk to people? I feel as though everyone just rolls their eyes and doesn't give a sh!t about what I have to say. I work better when I am alone or in a very small group. Anything more than 2 other people I just don't know what to do. Perhaps this is because I try to please everyone, and when the number of people goes up, the harder it is to please them all. So then I just shut down.
Well, those are my thoughts. Please don't judge.
I don't really feel like I belong here, I don't have many people that I talk to constantly, I just do my homework and I keep my nose in the books. What else is there to do? Talk to people? I feel as though everyone just rolls their eyes and doesn't give a sh!t about what I have to say. I work better when I am alone or in a very small group. Anything more than 2 other people I just don't know what to do. Perhaps this is because I try to please everyone, and when the number of people goes up, the harder it is to please them all. So then I just shut down.
Well, those are my thoughts. Please don't judge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)