Tears that Fall

Tears that fall from my eyes are tears that are hard for me to cry... I cry for many reasons, but mainly because I always act like I am happy... The truth is, I don't know if I am happy or not... I won't say I'm necessarily sad, I'm just not sure if I am happy...

I have been through a hell of a lot in life... More in my 20 years of living than most people for their whole life... But I don't know what I want to do with it.. The rest of my life stretches out in front of me, and I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to work to be happy, I should just BE.

I do many things with my hands, intricate work that keeps my mind focused... I feel as though that is just because I don't want to have my mind wander away from something I can control. Will this scarf be red, or white? Will I drop a stitch? I have to focus so much with what I am doing, I have no opportunity to feel anything other than concentration.

I cry because I don't know when I will be truly and genuinely happy again.

I wish for love... I miss being in love. That feeling of always having someone to go to, to make you smile and forget your worries, someone to hold you and kiss away your tears... I want that feeling again... But no matter what I do, I feel as though my sadness drives away all the love that ever was in my life... My first serious boyfriend: I tried to protect him from my sadness and anger and that drove him away..... My first love: I let him in too much, I let him take too much, and he loved me with the money he had... My last love: I don't know what went wrong there exactly... I just miss the feeling of love... I want it...

And I feel that is why I did what I did when I was with my neighbor. I went to him when I needed the space filled, the emptiness filled... I knew it wouldn't last, and yet I went to him anyway because I knew for that moment, I could feel whole again. When I ended it, I felt free, but now I feel trapped.. I feel trapped BECAUSE now I have nothing to give me that feeling of whole, not even for a moment...

And so I cry.

My Name

My name is Abigail, it means Joy or a Father's Joy in Hebrew. I shorten it to Abi. The reason why I spell it this way is because I needed to change it.

My parents named me, actually my mother named me. The nickname Abby came with it. Yes, I did spell it ABBY. I used to love the way it was spelt, I loved to spell it Abby double b and y, I loved how it looked with the double B and this loopy thing on the end that was a Y. The problem was... is... I'm no longer that little girl.

This is why I changed it. I attempted to change it around junior year of high  school. But I got so much crap from my friends about changing it. I hated what they were doing to me... Making me keep this name I hated just to please them. By senior year, I had completely changed it. The beginning of each new class I was in, a teacher would ask if we were known by a nick name, I said Abi, A-B-I. They said that was unique and they liked it, but I continued to get strange looks from my classmates. I didn't care anymore.

The reason why I changed it was because I was no longer a little girl. I had grown and made mistakes... I finally adapted my name on Facebook, the biggest place where everyone would see. I loved the way it looked, unique and my way. I loved how I was now this new person... I didn't want to continue to be that fucked up Abby girl who everyone judged and cared what they thought. I didn't want to be that girl who wore long sleeves because she didn't want anyone to see the scares that ran up and down her arms. I didn't want to be Abby anymore.. I was a new person, and I had a new name.

I am now Abi, no matter what my computer says about my name being misspelt. I love my name, because it is an essence of me.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is soposed to be a time of giving thanks. I give thanks for many things, loves of the past, friends who are always there, and my amazing family. I am not going to lie and say I'm the perfect person who never gets mad and is always there for you, but I can say I do so much to try to be... Unfortunately I am bipolar, and I do have moments of rage. As most of you (my readers) might have noticed, I don't sugar coat how I'm feeling. Please keep in mind, I write those things in the moment and work through what I feel. I don't hide who I am either in person or in my writing. I write what I am feeling and how I take a situation to be. This might not be right, but it is what happened in my point of view.
I'm not going to say everything I do is right or fully thought out, but I will say sometimes my emotions change. I don't often feel the need to take back what I say, but I can say sorry for what I do. I have apologized already to those people I have hurt. I'm not going to apologize for what I was feeling at the moment, but I will apologize for how I handled it. I'm sorry. I never admitted to being the perfect person, and I have told you that from the start. I'm sorry for being 'that' person. But I have admitted from the moment you noticed that what I did was wrong. I did all I could... The rest is up to you....
I wish I could be thankful for your friendship today, but I understand if you don't want that because of the one mistake I made in a moment of rage. Please, I beg you, remember how much I have helped in the past. Remember how I cared about you from the first time I meet you. Remember how much good I've done... Forgive my mistake like I have yours. That is all I ask.

Childhood Chapters

Only a few hours left of my childhood. I'm almost 20, tomorrow will be the day. I really don't know what to think about what is going to happen to me. Will I magically change over night? Unlikely.

I look back at the things I've done, and some of it was stupid... Ok fine ahellofalot of it was stupid. Honestly? Hospitilized? I'm past that. Getting into stupid fights? I'm done with it... Ok fine, I will only get into stupid fights with the awesome people!

I've grown so much in the past nine-teen years three hundred and sixty four days and some odd hours. But at the same time, I feel as though I don't want to grow up. I want to stay care-free all my life. I want to keep my teddy bear. I want to continue to dance in the rain!

Although I am growing up, maturing into my mind and body, I know I don't have to give everything up. I for sure will NOT give up my teddy bear at all. He is my rock and will always be there if I need someone to cry on. But my old dreams have come true, or some of them have. I have new dreams now (such as dating Darren Chriss), and I hope many of them come true. A new chapter of my life is beginning. And I can not wait for it to start  :)

Tell Me Something

Tell me something, and don't try to lie. I know the truth and can read it in your eyes. You know how I feel, you know I don't like lies. I've said it before, I don't lie, and I expect the same respect from you. Honeslty, I have no idea what you want, if not the truth. I am not going to change who I am, my integrety in order to make you feel better about yourself.

You sit there, and lie to my face, knowing I know the truth, and you think it's ok that I know the truth and you lie. It's not. If I ask you a question, I expect you to tell me truth, in every circumstance. Why would you go lie to my face, especially about something so unimportant like this?

If you really cared, you would actually take the time to find my blog. I know you wont be my friend on facebook, because we are 'to close'. But I do know you know my blog. If you really wanted to know what is going on in my life, you would find it. It's not hard. Look up my name, and blogg after it, there you go. If you are going to lie to me and tell me you care, at least take the actions and act that you do.

But here you are, in my room, on my couch, telling me ow you find it rude that people are in the middle of a conversation, and yet one is texting. You say you hate it when people do that... Someone texted you, and you are replying, ignoring me completely. Hypocrite, you do one thing and preach another.  Now? You are on the phone. With another girl. Do you know how heartbroken that made me? You are ignoring me, in my own room... How do I end this?... Do I want to end this?.....

To My Ex-Love

To My Ex Love,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been a bitch. You hurt me so much, I completely lost all the sense I had left in my mind. You grounded me, and made me stable. When you ended it, it was as if I was standing horizontally on a piece of twine. I couldn't feel stable if I tried. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't want to ever forgive you for hurting me like that.

I wanted to go back to my old ways, multiple times. On several occasions, I was prepared, and I wanted to go through with it more than anything. But then I remembered the promise I made you, the first official day we spent together. "Please don't ever leave me like that. I don't care if you don't want to be with me, please, just don't leave me like that." Although I was not the one to leave, I still hold true to my promise. It is because of that promise I made you that I am still standing here counting to my two year mark ( still a ways away).

I love you. I don't know how anymore. But I do know that I don't hurt anymore. I can see you, walking the other way, standing in the same elevator, and my heart no longer falls to the floor because I want you back as my girlfriend. My heart falls to the floor because I now know that I have been acting in a way that is unlike me. I miss you. I'm not going to lie and say I am completely over you, but I am to the point where I know it's ok to smile in passing, poke one another on facebook, and perhaps a conversation if we share an elavator.

I hope you still read my blogg and see my apology. It is the best I can do. The best explanation I can give for my rude actions, for running away, and for not seeing you in the elevator (for the record, I was cleaning my glasses and didn't notice it WAS you until you were getting off). I hope the ice is melted enough for this to go through, and I hope you know all I say is true. I love you, but I have let go, and I hope you are moved on as I am moving forward.

-Abi

Normal

The worst thing I could ever call you is NORMAL. Why? Because to be NORMAL is to be one of the crowd that no one would ever be able to tell you apart from someone else. I want to look and see you right away, to see the person I love, and know that you are one of a kind, unique. You can't be unique if you are normal.
In order to be NORMAL, you would have to give up all self worth and fold to what you perceive to be accepted by society. And once you get accepted, you lose who you truly where. The problem is, once you fold to society, you have to keep pretending like you really are who they think you are. It would be hard for you to leave that, because you feel safe and secure. But once you walk away from the group, even if for just a little while, they bash you, because that is what they see as NORMAL.
Is that what you want to be? Because I know, personally,  I would rather keep my name, Abi. Abi Normal. Not to be confused with regular Normal, but rather Abnormal. :)

Never Gonna Change

I finally found myself, and I'm not about to let me go that easily. No one can take me away from me, and if they try, I won't go down without a fight. I hid who I was for such a long time, pretending I was straight, pretending I was everyone's friend, pretending I didn't care if you spoke behind my back. Well I'm none of those things.
I am proud of myself and who I am. Not everyone is going to like me, and I accepted that fact. I'm not here to please everyone, but if who I am makes you happy, then of corse I would love for you to come be my friend. I do care what you say about me, especially if it is hurtful. But I try my damn hardest not to let it effect me and who I am. Sure I will be upset for a little but, but then I realize that it does not matter! IT DONT MATTER! All that matters is that I love myself, and that there are people out there that love me and wouldn't want me to change at all. If you are not one of those people, I'm not about to bend over to kiss your ass to be your friend.
1- I'm so short I probably wouldn't have to bend over
2- If I have to change for you, then you are not a very good friend.
I am going to be me, and that is all I am going to be. I am NEVER gonna change to something that aint me.